Dating as a Single LGBTQ+ Parent

{ Sara Arnold }

I broke up with my partner over five months ago, and now I’m single for the first time in 15 years.  Where do you find bisexual women and men, lesbians, and transfolk in central Massachusetts?  

Where you don’t have to go to Worcester?  No offense, Worcester, but I don’t want to have to go 20 minutes plus traffic from my small Worcester suburb to a big city I find overwhelming.  I’d prefer not to have to leave my central Mass small town at all, or to only go to one of the contiguous suburban or rural towns in my area.  I don’t even really want to go to Leominster or Fitchburg for the same reasons.

How would I even meet people?  

I’m too old for nightclubs, not at all a drinker, have been warned that Tindr is a cesspool, Pride comes once a year and is heaving with too many people, speed dating seems like The Hunger Games, dating comes with this thing called ghosting that one or two generations under mine came up with, and then there’s this thing called revenge porn…

I do like cannabis.  But as far as I’m aware, there’s no LGBTQIA+ cannabis social consumption (or non-consumption-themed event) where I can mingle. 

Plus, with children, almost every night is a school night, a sports night, or some other extracurricular activity night where I can't stay out late (or go out at all).

There is no moms group for moms to meet other like-minded moms (or even better, a group like that for bisexual moms).

Also, there is no fun website or app to meet new local people with similar interests and then talk with them via text, which is strongly my preference over any other form of communication, before meeting them in person.

So I’m basically out of ideas.

It doesn’t help that I’m well-known as a journalist for multiple publications in this area, including all the towns around me, so I know almost everyone, their kids, and their extended families.  That makes it less easy to be discreet.

If I wanted cis het men, this would be moderately easier, but I do not.  I say it would be easier -- but it wouldn’t, because my standards for cis het men are even higher than my standards of anyone from the LGBTQIA+ community because most cis het men are trash.  #notallmen, of course.

I should say, that the only letter I would be incompatible with is the A.  Sorry, asexuals, I’m kind of the opposite of you with sex.  To summarize, I like it a lot, all the time.

I would also not be compatible with monogamous people because I’ve done that for almost fifteen years and I’m going back to polyamory, I’m not compatible with cheating people because that doesn’t fit my morals, and I’m not compatible with people that have issues with bisexuals.

I’m not sure exactly what I’m looking for.  I know what I’m not looking for.  I don’t want one-night stands, or to feel sleazy or empty, and I don’t want to hook up with total strangers.  I do have an incredibly high sex drive though so I would still like regular sex.  I would love to have some friends with benefits or maybe do some casual dating.  Someday, it sounds nice to have multiple loving relationships with people of various genders again.

My best friend says I like hot smart weirdos, primarily whom are queer and neurodivergent. This seems accurate.  I like it when someone turns me on intellectually before they turn me on any other way.

And, most of all, anyone I would be involved with has to be nice to children (and animals), especially my children (and animals).  They have to like kids, and be a safe person for my kids to be around, which is not something that can be discerned immediately.  My kids also have to like them.

This shouldn’t need to be said, but does; they cannot have a problem that to have had a kid I had a penis inside me (very fun, still bisexual, would do again).

But I’ve never been good at initiating things with my autism, and I’ve only just gotten to a part of my life where (maybe) I notice when someone is flirting with me, and of course there is the lesbian sheep problem with women.

Here’s a story of my best example of the lesbian sheep problem.  When I was 24, I dated a Scottish lass in Glasgow named Suzan who liked Swedish death metal.  We went on multiple dates where we got along spectacularly.  We went back to her flat on more than one occasion and… held hands.  You could try to blame this on my bisexuality and not truly being interested but a) I wanted to kiss and fuck her quite badly and b) she was 100% lesbian and while young not new to the scene.

I also worry a little about the old joke-except-not of the U-Haul on a second date, which actually did happen with an ex-girlfriend I was with for years.

So there is no how, where, or when.  Just a bunch of who and what I’m not going to have.

In summary, I’m never again going to meet anyone of any gender that I click with, much less multiple people, and I’m never getting laid again either.  Hooray.

At least my favorite people to spend time with are my kids.