Parental Gender Identity
{ Sara Arnold }
SHANIA TWAIN SANG “MAN, I FEEL LIKE A WOMAN.”
But do I? I’ve found myself questioning my gender identity recently.
It’s possible that it started when I did a boudoir photo shoot in April 2023. I expected to feel empowered and sexy after it, but I actually felt like I looked as if I was doing drag. This emotional response came completely out of left field and has left me really wondering about how I feel about gender and my gender identity.
I take a heavy dose of androgen blockers twice a day. Does that say anything about gender? I don’t know. A friend of mine says it says more about biology and possibly being intersex. Do my hormones make my gender less clear than I thought even on a physical basis?
My eleven-year-old has been exploring their gender identity and has identified as non-binary for the past few years, though they’ve been wavering on that recently as well as the “they” pronoun. It’s been interesting to see their identity ebb and flow with strong identifications at some times and not others. This has also been true about her sexual orientation, which she’s still working on figuring out whether she’s a lesbian or bisexual (though she says she definitely likes girls more, and I can certainly understand that).
This is normal for children, for there to be constant questions and fluidity on the regular in their identities. To be honest, it’s probably normal for everyone. That’s why we have things like the Klein grid. Life is fluid.
That said, I’ve always known I’m bisexual. That was never in question, even when I was the age of my children and far younger. I’ve always liked the people that I like, regardless of gender.
But this is not the first time I’ve wondered about my gender. I’ve thought about identifying as “genderqueer” and to some degree I’ve done so off and on over the years, gone to a drag (king) workshop, and other experiences that are not for a family publication.
And I’m really not sure what it meansto me. I’m not a transman like some of my friends, and I don’t exactly feel I have the wrong parts, although I wish I could have all of them. Most of the time I think it’s great having breasts (weird, but great) and I like my vulva and vagina, but I also wish I had the option of a penis.
I also don’t like the “they” pronoun. I’m not gatekeeping anyone, and certainly someone’s own choice of pronouns is far more important than my pedantic grammar issues, but I liked sie/hir and especially zie/zir. For those not as old as I am, these were the popular trans* pronouns in popular use in the late ‘90s and early ‘00s. (“Popular” being relative, as the trans* community was more underground then.)
There are no buttons with “zie” on them as a pronoun. Generation Z and Generation Alpha, those generations of my kids, wouldn’t have the slightest idea what I was talking about. It’s “‘they” now, and that’s it, but I’m stuck between Generation X and the Millenials.
There are a lot more people who are “they” now than when I was growing up.
But in makeup, I feel like I’m doing drag. In all sorts of dresses from sundresses to gowns, I feel like I’m in drag. Would I feel like I was in drag in a suit? I don’t know. I haven’t tried to wear a suit yet (though I’d like to try).
I mask well because of my autism, but I was diagnosed with that as a middle-aged adult too (not that gender identity is a diagnosis, thank god gender dysphoria isn’t in the DSM anymore), so I just don’t know how I feel.
Maybe it’s weird to question my gender identity in my forties, at the same time as my children. Perhaps I’m overthinking. Does it even matter what my gender identity is, to myself or others? Am I a role model for my child in terms of the way I go about figuring it out? And if so, am I doing it right?