Sleepovers

{ Sara Arnold }

It is normal and age-appropriate for a tween girl to want to have sleepovers with her friends.

         But what if that tween girl is attracted to girls?

        My daughter wanted to have her on-    again off-again school girlfriend over for a sleepover.  They’re off right now, but I’m still not sure I want my daughter sleeping in the same bed with this girl as she’d do with her straight best friend.

          Air mattress, you say?  Pull-out couch in her bedroom?  I’d consider it.

         I’m just not sure I’m comfortable with her having sleepovers with other girls and non-binary children.  I mean, I don’t think I’d be okay with an 11-year-old boy either, because that’s not how I want her to find out if she’s bisexual or not.

         You could ask me what’s the worst that could happen, and I honestly don’t know.  My child is very mature for her age, 5’3” and growing, and looks and sounds thirteen to fifteen. But she is still a child, and finds open mouth kissing anyone of any gender gross. So in theory, it’s all just holding hands and maybe a peck on the lips at this age, but she knows a lot about how lesbians and bisexual women have sex (only some of which came from me because it’s shocking what they talk about at school).

         Perhaps I just need to trust my kid but maybe I don’t trust tween hormones.

         I feel like this is a problem parents (of any orientation) only have with LGBTQIA+ children.

         I can’t just tell her she can’t have any sleepovers with anyone but her two closest friends, though.  As I said, kids this age have sleepovers with their friends.  Taking that away because of adult concerns about hanky-panky may be putting something on her that simply doesn’t exist.

I knew I was bisexual having sleepovers my whole childhood, and I never did anything suspect during any of those sleepovers or with any of those female friends.

         That said, none of them were my ex-girlfriend.

         So I let the sleepover with her (currently) ex-girlfriend go forward.  My daughter is sneaky by nature, so I’m concerned if something did happen, I’d be none the wiser.

         But what else can I do?

         I even ended up allowing my daughter’s ex to stay a second night because one of our pets suddenly died (the second in a week) and her friend was being very supportive.

         They made cookies.  They spent the nights sleeping in the same bed.  They went to a nearby local park within walking distance.  They cooked dinner together both evenings (which I benefitted from).  They gamed together on their respective devices.  They hung out and talked.  They were physically close, but I don’t think there was cuddling.

         (Said ex-gf is also out to me, and I know about her relationship with my daughter, but her own parents don’t know either thing.)

         My kid said nothing untoward happened (“Mom!  I’m 11!”), and I have no choice but to believe her.  I do think she’s telling the truth, for the record.

         But I’ll never actually know for sure, and as her age increases (as well as her hormones and her desire for sexual activity), the topic of sleepovers with other girls, especially her exes, is going to be a potentially contentious one and there’s no handbook for this.